At the Conference = Anxiety

This morning, I felt some anxiety when I got dressed.

I’m presenting both days at this conference.  Will people notice I’m wearing the same thing?  Will they judge me on this?

Normally, I don’t care much.  Normally I am pretty secure about myself and how/what people think of me.  But here I care and I’m feeling vulnerable.  These are people that are passionate about the same thing I am.  They are leaders.  They impact their communities in amazing and positive ways.  I look up to these people and respect them, and want to grow up and be like them.  I want to be part of this group, accepted and wanted.  And I want them to respect me.

And what am I worrying about? My clothes?  Could I get any shallower?  I’m not worried that my presentations will suck, or that I will do something colossally stupid, or that my technology will fail.  Oh No, I’m worried that someone will notice that I’m wearing the same thing as yesterday and then make some kind of negative value judgment of me.

Puh-leeze! 

Now, if you are reading this and thinking, ‘Oh yeah, I’d be worrying about that too’ then I don’t judge you for this.  I don’t think you are shallow.  Which is why it’s so comical to me that I’m judging myself.  What kind of silly double standard is this?

And I don’t judge if people are wearing the same thing day after day after day.  In fact, I think I’m so busy just trying to put all my figurative feathers back in the pillow that I doubt I even notice if someone is even wearing clothes!  So why would I assume that someone else has nothing better to do than notice I’m wearing the same thing as yesterday.  Again, what kind of silly double standard is this?

And the answer is, I don’t know.

I’m working on that. 

Which is why I’m wearing the same thing as yesterday and tomorrow I will be wearing the same thing as yesterday.  Whether they notice and judge me or not.